Dejected is an extreme way of saying discouraged. Dejected is feeling nauseous because of how down you are. Dejected is knowing that I’m doing it to myself, but I can’t seem to stop from hurting. Dejected is going the extra mile and realizing that I should have gone one more. Dejected. That’s what I am today.

Dejected is the hole in my chest that I’ve been ignoring. The same hole that cut my breath short as I walked home. The same hole I hate to fight from making me hyperventilate. The same hole that has many times tried to cut out my breathing entirely. The hole that just won’t go away.

I was feeling like this, as I walked home, and another thought came into my mind. ”Love is not a feeling, it’s an action”. I feel like peope talk about feeling like they’ve fallen in love, but you never see it. There are so many love stories that have been made and written and raved over, but rarely do the actions of those in love follow with the words and feelings. But sometimes, this is the way it should be…

I still have love for her. More than she knows. So I act. I take action. Because, as the age old saying goes, that’s what love is. But, reader, I set myself up to fall. Flat on my face.

Today was one of those times. It was no big deal. I just had such freakin’ high hopes. And she didn’t let me down. I built my expectations up so high, and in the end, they were unreasonable and not feasable when I wished they would be. Why did this spin me into a dejected heap in my room? I don’t know.

Note to self: Love is a feeling. It’s also an action. Just.. make sure you act when you know you aren’t going to disappoint yourself.

First of all, the water in the ocean of my life has been so murky for so long. I haven’t been able to see the floor. So now, I have an idea of where my Diamond is, in relation to where I threw it, but I can’t see it fully. Only every once in a while do I get to see a sparkle, and I know that such a brilliant, beautiful light can only come from my Diamond. I watched it sparkle and shine in my hands for many months. Many beautiful months. And now, I miss the sparkle, even though I threw the Diamond out into the ocean. So as the water slowly clears, I’m starting to realize where my Diamond is, on the ocean floor, and it’s not as close as I would have hoped. But I’m still tredding.

The other thing I’ve realized while I’ve been wading is that the tide is always moving. One of moment, my Diamond looks as though it’s within reach, that I can just dive down and scoop it off the ocean floor. But then, not soon after, my Diamond feels like it’s further away than ever, and I can hardly see it shimmer in the sun, whatever weak sunbeams reach the ocean deep. This tide is getting more smooth, though. I feel it coming in. It’s been going out for a while, and now it’s on the way back in.

Who knows how close my Diamond will get to the shore this time…

“Ignorant men don’t know what good they hold in their hands until they’ve flung it away.” – Sophocles

COME ON, dude! That’s so depressing. I thought Greek philosophers and scientists were these geniuses who knew all things and didn’t make mistakes. Obviously, this Sophocles guy got his heart broken. I feel like me and this guy are in the same boat. Or atleast he was in the boat I’m in hundreds of years ago. See… I’m an ignorant man and I’m not proud of that – but at least I’m honest. Most times that I find I’m ignorant are when I’ve overanalyzed a situation and I believe that I am totally right and all the nay-sayers are out in left field. But here’s the thing. I thought that I was right in breaking up with my girlfriend – five months ago today. “Why are you still hanging on to it, Daniel – let it go!” That’s probably what you’re thinking. But here’s the deal – I’ve “flung it away”, that relationship. And as ol’ Sophy properly stated, us ignorant men only realize afterwards how GREAT that thing we flung away was.

When I think of this as a mental picture, I see a man on the shore of the ocean and he’s there with a huge diamond in his hand. The problem is that he is convinced that it’s quartz, and not a legitimate diamond. The man decides, What the heck… I don’t want this quartz anymore, and he tosses it into the ocean. Only later, when his friend join him on the beach and explain to him that it was really a diamond that he goes insane in trying to retrieve that perfect stone again. In my case, I threw that diamond really far out there, and the undertow has got it and is pulling it further out in the ocean. Life a fool, I run out into the ocean and swim as far as possible. Now, I’m not drowning anymore, ’cause at least I can see the diamond – I have hope – but I don’t think I can reach it. I’m hoping Poseidon creates some big wave and pushes the diamond closer to shore again.

In the mean time, I’m tredding water, and my legs are getting tired. Sophocles didn’t write about how to swim, did he?